ceiling gazing

on repeat track:
Bye Bye My Blue by Yerin Baek

it is 01:08 a.m now,
and here i am still hiding at the back of my own consciousness from the thoughts of dread that filled my head whose come in a trice. i put myself over my bed try to tabled all my overwhelming worries but the anxiousness takes over and swings it across the room thus only housing self-doubt. well oh well, it is one of those nights.

i hate night. i might have a pretty weird take on it. i hate it so much cause in often times it can only bring me a long rows of unfinished past memories utter abruptly which i have been enshrouded in within myself for ages. in no time, the little boy that i used to be whom i have yet to forgive has already in line with all of my regretted choices tried to pop up in front of my face passionately and waiting to reappear. i much on dwelling upon should-haves and could-haves tonight, stay still at a distance from both of the worth and the worst reminiscence overfilled in a void gaps between the moon rays illuminating through the curtains and my solid yawn. i way more subdued it doesnt matter how hard i try to shake hands with common sense.

id happen to try to close my eyes when the awkward laughter i always wear for trying to be relevant in one and every coterie i consider myself in suddenly burst out from behind of my eyelids and caught me off guard. it came out with the understanding that i had lived in such an ungenuine way by trying so hard to be anything but myself for the simplest sake of surviving. the period was so long that it made me lose track of my very own fine innate. my room swiftly became so cold it suffocated my breath and crippled my throat while my sanity gradually deflated. the floor went swirling and forth and i blamed my feet for being unable to grasp the situation fast enough so i was too late to be able to escape to the other rooms of fate. the silence yelled so loud it thrust my ear with my inner voice shouting a sound i never heard before. the night grew even longer and for heavens sake, i just wanted to sleep.

it is 05:28 a.m now,
and here i am wake up questioning myself which am i today, once again.