avoid a void

on repeat track:
Sad to Breathe by The Japanese House

“why are you so quiet?”

was a question that i have been asked the most nowadays, to the point that its been bugging me quite much. i mean, put it in on any possible context there is and i still dont think the question should be centered on the reason or the whys, it should be more focus on the hows— like how is it become so quite? or how can it ended up to be quite?. even then, in my case at least, the one question still remains: am i — a merely human being — not allowed to be goddamn quiet? its not like it do the harm to others or cost something to people around me? its not even like i got distracted, or wandered around in my own mind when anyone talked. no, i was all ears, i was still listening to words. yet, the demand is still there, and that is for me to become something that i am not — which was also the connotation meaning behind the question it self — for me to be a rowdy.

one day i asked one of my ‘friends’ just why the hell he always pushed me to talk when we were hanging out with some others. he then said that everyone in the group should be treated equally therefore i too need to talk excitedly when it comes to my ‘turn’ so they could feel excited too about my anecdotes. now i suddenly have to fill this one responsibility that i dont remember signing up for before, which was so pressuring for me honestly. and just so you know, i am not even on a single occasion, being that asshole or a party pooper who brings the mood down to anyone just when the party is about to start. i gave reactions, i gave feedback, i suppressed myself so people wouldnt get awkward and uncomfortable around me. yes, im not that too quite, i always trying to liven up the mood in my own way too. and yet they always point out the most least harmful one.

yes, im not so sociable enough which is arguably not a good thing. thats one of my problems, and i am still trying to working on it. and yes, i too know that maybe what they were doing was an act of caring so i always felt included. alas, i still dont think that can be a validation for people to rush me just to match with their own charade.

i dont know. maybe its on me, maybe its theirs. the possibility is, its whether that i had a pessimistically dismissive perspective and was too denial, or i was just simply in the wrong group of people. either way, it seems like i already doomed from the very own start.

“why are you so quiet?”
tell you what, because i felt outcasted, thats why.